I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
