he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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