he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
No I am not eating basil off your cock
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Randomize
