Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
