All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Randomize
