420 ftw
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
