I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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