She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
