He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
