I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?
by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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