there was a trapeze. enough said
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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