i just wanna soil my oats bro
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
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