A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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