you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
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