i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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