grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
