I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
