Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
