Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
