my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Randomize
