I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
