Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
