That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
