i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
