I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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