Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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