I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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