My underwear smells like fireworks.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
