So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Randomize
