he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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