then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Help me help you realize you are a moron
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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