Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
