I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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