Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Randomize
