i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
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