omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
