After last night, I could never be a politician.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Randomize
