She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
