There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
