I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize