i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
