you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
