call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
