I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
