Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Randomize
