and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
