Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Randomize
