I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
Randomize
