your parents love me but you hate me
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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