I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
even my farts smell like vagina
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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