The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Randomize
