I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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