The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
