Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
