I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
