we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
