I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize