And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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