I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
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